Thursday, April 1, 2010

Thanks for calling, but don't do it again!

Red Telephone
Thank you for calling the Stinky Creek International Box Springs and Wireless Internet Company – a company that prides itself in providing superior products at can’t-be-beat prices with unbelievable customer service since 1892.

If you know your party’s extension, work bay, cubicle number or shoe size you may dial it or speak it at any time. For instance, for Steve Holloway in Work Bay 147 located in the Dale Wilson Memorial Factory, just say 147 Dale Wilson or size 14.

For information about our products, please press or say the number One. For information about delivery or installation, please press or say the number Two. For information about recalls and how we have quietly paid off officials to look the other way while we continue to sell the items without fixing them, please press or say the number Three.

Did you say the number Three?

We’re sorry. All customer service representatives are busy at this time.

If you would like to order one of our products and know the item number, model number, serial number, stock number, size number, roulette number, and the number of your brother-in-law’s good looking single sister, please press or say those numbers now. If you would like to return one of our products, please press or say the number Six.

Did you say the number Six?

Thank you for calling the Stinky Creek International Box Springs and Wireless Internet Company’s Return Department. We are not taking any returns at this time. All of our products are 100 percent guaranteed and should never have to be replaced or returned in your lifetime. If you do not fully understand the proper use of our products, please read the instructions. If you are too proud to read the instructions, have your wife or girlfriend read them to you. If you do not have a wife or girlfriend, press or say the number Seven and one will be provided for you.

Did you say the number Seven?

Thank you for calling the Stinky Creek International Box Springs and Wireless Internet Company’s Wife and Girlfriend Hotline. If you know the name of the Wife or Girlfriend you would like us to provide for you, please say her name now.

It sounded like you said Bridgette. If that is correct, please say yes. If that is incorrect, please repeat the name or press One for our Menu Options.

Did you say the number One?

Welcome to the Stinky Creek International Box Springs and Wireless Internet Company’s Menu Options. If you would like to order a Double Crust, Double Cheese Supreme Pizza with Extra Toppings from our Menu, please press or say the number Eight. If you would like to order a beverage or side order of bread sticks, please press or say the number Nine. For other options, please press or say the number 107.

Did you say the number 107?

Thank you for calling the Stinky Creek International Box Springs and Wireless Internet Company. If you have an emergency with one of our products, please press or say the number 65, wait until you hear two beeps then hang up. If it is a REAL emergency, press four random numbers and somebody will be with you by 8 p.m. on the East Coast, or midnight on the West Coast.

If you would like to talk to someone in tech support, please press or say the number 20 and pray that a technician will answer the phone before you die. If you die before you receive satisfaction, we’re sorry, but you should have eaten better and exercised more. On the bright side, you’ll no longer be worried about your problem.

If you would like to speak to a real person, call your next door neighbor and beg for help. If they are not in, leave a voice message and pretend you are with the IRS needing information about an upcoming audit. If you are pretty sure they have caller ID, don’t try it. For other options, please press or say the number 87.

Did you say the number 87?

Thank you for calling the Stinky Creek International Box Springs and Wireless Internet Company – a company that prides itself in providing superior products at can’t-be-beat prices with unbelievable customer service since 1892. Our offices are closed at this time, but if you would like to leave a message, dial the number One now or wait for the beep.

Have a good day!

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