Santa's still in the House!

Just when I thought I had Christmas all packed away, I look up and there's still a Santa on the wall. I have no idea how I missed it, but I guess he's going to have to stay "out" until next year!

Men aren't perfect? Says who?

It has recently come to my attention that there may be a number of things that we men do that drive "our women" absolutely bonkers. I'm not exactly sure what good can come from knowing these things, but I put it before you, nonetheless.

The Toilet Paper Roll – It is possible that there are some women who get upset when their man uses the last bit of toilet paper and doesn’t replace the roll. I got this impression after Colleen in Virginia said, “Is there anything worse than sitting down only to see an empty cardboard tube?”

Yes, Colleen, there is: Discovering the roll is empty only when you’re ready to get up!

So guys, if you’re willing to nip this problem in the bud before it really becomes an issue, my advice to you is this: Never use the bathroom at home. Go to a neighbor’s house.

Master of the TV Remote – According to Angela in Florida, she hates it when her husband “hogs the television remote and we have to watch the same old crap every night (cops, mobsters, hunting, investigation shows or army junk).”

Well, Angela, you don’t expect him to watch Oprah or “Sex in the City,” do you? That would cause even more problems.

Guys, if you are aware you have a TV remote fetish, my advice to you is this: Hand over the remote for longer and longer periods of time in order to break free from the constant responsibility of being in charge of the television. Start off with a second or two, and eventually build it up to about 60 seconds. That’s about as long as a commercial. Then, let your wife be in charge of the remote during the commercials. I guarantee that’s a win-win situation.

Oh Where, Oh Where is His Underwear – One of the things that drives Janice in Chicago absolutely nuts is when her husband, “leaves his underwear in the middle of the floor.”

Okay, Janice, I hear your frustration, but don’t you agree that leaving his underwear in the middle of the floor is much better than leaving it in the refrigerator? And he could, you know. He goes over to the fridge to fix himself a ham and cheese sandwich, remembers that he hasn’t changed his underwear in awhile, then absentmindedly stuffs it in the crisper just so he can have a hand free to grab the mayo. Yes, oh yes, I believe that could be far worse.

Guys, if leaving your underwear all over the house really drives your woman to the point of madness, there’s only one solution: Find a comfortable pair and never take them off, forsaking all others, till death do you part.

The Speed Racer – Now here’s an unusual story: The one thing that drives Janet in Virginia over the edge of marital bliss is that her husband “drives too slow. Just ask the kids.”

Well, Janet, I would, but I don’t know your kids, will never know your kids, and I have no desire to ever ask them about your husband’s driving habits because I couldn’t bear for them to corroborate that their loving father drives like a granny. It’s unthinkable. It’s absurd. I even hazard to say that male genes do not flow through that man’s jeans.

Guys, if anyone ever compares your driving to that of a mild-mannered toothless grandma who thinks man was never meant to travel faster than a good walk around the block, then my advice to you is this: Give away your keys to someone who thinks the speed of light is too slow, and don’t you ever get behind the wheel of an automobile again. If you must satisfy your need for speed, watch NASCAR and take a quick nap.

Telephone Etiquette – Donna in Texas says she’s pretty happy with her husband, except “he hangs up the phone without saying ‘bye.’ He also corrects my grammar and he drives very aggressively.”

Well, Donna, I can see why you could get a little bit snippy about the grammar thing and never hearing “bye” at the end of a phone conversation, but you’ve got a man who knows how to punch holes through traffic jams and will always get you to where you’re going before you’ve even left the house. So, what do you want? More perfection?

Guys, if your telephone skills are a bit lacking, but you drive like a World Federation wrestler, here’s my advice: Throw the other guy out of the ring in the third round and pound him with the chair. The audience will love it.

Nothing But Sports – Out in California, Jacqueline wonders why her husband has this all-powerful need to watch every single sporting event that comes on TV. “I tease him that if there were a ‘hop, skip and jump’ competition, he’d be right there.”

Of course he’d be right there. Where else is he supposed to be? You WANT your man sitting on the couch taking in every “hopping and skipping” event he can get his eyes on. Because if he’s at home watching it on YOUR TV, he’s not out hopping and skipping with somebody else’s TV, and these days, that’s just not safe!

Guys, if your honey complains (or even teases you) about the amount of sports you watch, DON’T PAY ATTENTION. Instead, turn up the volume.

Everything Has Its Place – Got word from Darla up in New York that her man “is on the verge of perfection, but he is a clean freak. Nothing can be ‘out,’ so he constantly picks things up and puts them ‘away’ but he has no idea where he puts anything.”

At first, Darla, I agreed with you in that this man is certainly a FREAK! Normal men don’t pick up anything! Men are supposed to leave things out and not worry about them until they start to decay and rot. But then you said he can’t remember where he puts things, and I breathed a sigh of relief!

Guys, if you find yourself picking up after yourself, picking up after others, putting things away where they’re supposed to go, even if you can’t remember exactly where you put them, my advice to you is to STOP IT – RIGHT NOW! You’re making the rest of us look bad!

Doing The Disses – Julie down in Texas says, “Years ago he told me it’s not cool to diss him in front of others and I think he had a great point.”

Well, of course, all men, at some time or other, have “great points!” The problem is convincing their wives that them there points ARE great ones. But, Julie, the thing that stuck out the most in your little confession was the phrase “in front of others.” I’m sure behind closed doors you have no trouble telling him to “put diss here,” “no, diss is how you do it,” or “diss is the most insane thing you’ve ever done.”

Guys, if you’re woman has a “do a little bit of diss or you won’t be getting a little bit of dat” thing going on, then you need to just bite the bullet and get it done. Some things are still worth groveling for.

Well folks, there it is. Take it for what it’s worth. As for me, I think it’s best if I change the subject.

I see goats

They have big teeth. Eatin' all that hay. Gonna get some more. Waitin' for the day. Need a strapping buck. Give those girls a thrill. Need some goaty babies. Eatin' on the hill.

They should be teaching this stuff in school

I have a water leak under my house. I called a plumber to see if he’d come fix it and he said to me, “Whatsa matter? Can’t you fix it yourself?” Which got me thinking: When did plumbing become such a lucrative business that they could actually turn down work? And how can I sign up?

It’s sad being a grown man who can’t do simple things around the house like fix leaky pipes and lay new sewage lines – but it’s not all my fault. I choose to pass the blame to a broken education system that allowed me to graduate from high school and college without teaching me the difference between a flat-head screwdriver and the other kind.

For the past few years, the big talk has been about “No Child Left Behind” and standardized testing to ensure our students can compete on the global playing field, but I say we have made giant leaps backwards when our children can’t unclog a stopped-up toilet or build their own race car.

So, in order to put our children back on the right track, I propose that our government stop messing around with this other malarkey and adopt the CAPE standard of education – Carpentry, Auto-Mechanics, Plumbing and Electricity. And through it, our children will be honoring the men and women who brought us forth to this country to be self-sufficient and industrious, and not to be a bunch of lazy bones who can’t change an air conditioner filter without calling for help.

When the monsoon season hits and you discover you have a leaky roof, it does no good to know the Gross National Product of Peru. Yes, it’s fascinating to know coffee and bananas are what makes that country a global player, but who gives a rip about that when you have water dripping down the walls and making puddles on your linoleum?

Did Daniel Boone call the local roofing expert when HIS roof was leaking? Heck no. Since he probably built the house himself, he WAS the local roofing expert. Is there a better way to honor Daniel Boone than to teach our children how to tear off a roof and find those stubborn leaks with their own two hands? I don’t think so.

We all learned in grade school that Henry Ford, although he didn’t invent the automobile, was the father of the modern assembly line. But that doesn’t help us when our spark plugs get fouled or we need to pull an engine and replace it with a more powerful one that will propel us at speeds that give the local police heartburn.

Did Nicolas Joseph Cugnot, the Frenchman who invented the first steam-powered vehicle and is credited as the first person to get into a motor vehicle accident, did he take his “wounded” invention to the local body shop to have his axles straightened out? Of course not! And why should we? If our government made graduation dependent upon three years of auto-mechanics, we’d be honoring our automobile forefathers while making sure that we’d never be stranded on the side of the road, waiting for Triple A who might or might not be there in three hours.

Speaking about plumbing – why is it that every Roman schoolchild could build an aqueduct before they learned how to drive a chariot, but I can’t figure out why my shower is leaking or how to make it stop? It’s the school’s fault, I tell you, for not requiring me to learn it.

Instead of teaching our children how many cups make a quart, and how many quarts are in a gallon, our schools should teach them how to put PVC together so there aren’t any leaks. And if they can’t repair a burst water pipe without dripping solder on their work jeans, then maybe they should be held back a grade until they can.

And what about those ceiling fans that seem to have a short in them? Thank you Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Edison for all your work with electricity, but the average 7th grader can’t fix a loose connection if their life depended on it. Why? Because we spend too much time on learning dates, and not enough time on volts and amps. It’s shocking, to say the least.

Our forefathers were independent, self-sufficient people who might not be able to quote Shakespeare or Joyce, but they were able to erect a log cabin, build themselves a fire and field-dress a deer without looking in the phonebook for help. So we owe it to our ancestors to teach our children how to survive in this world. And if that means putting on a CAPE to get it done, then by jiminy, let’s do it.

Ice Capades

The three goat things I need to get done today:

1. Go outside and make sure my goats aren't goatcicles. It was well below freezing last night; we had the faucets dripping so as to avoid any busted pipes; and sometimes my goats don't take advantage of their nice, warm goat shed like they're supposed to.

2. If the goats are still alive, give them some nice, fresh water. Yesterday, their water was frozen solid, and a goat without water is a pitiful sight to see, let me tell ya!

3. If the goats are not with the living anymore, head out to the pet shop and buy some low-maintenance fish. Fish never scream and holler for food, and they never try to escape!

And what has all of this to do with my "Ice Capades" photo? Absolutely nothing. I thought the windshield of my car looked interesting, and when it warms up, the "show" will be melted and gone.

Do you shop Goodwill?

I love corduroys, especially in the winter. I love the look of them, the feel of them, and I love how they can keep you just a little bit warmer than regular slacks. The only thing I don't like about them is the cost.

At K-Mart, their corduroys usually cost $44, but you might can find them for $18. At the Bass Pro Shop, you can buy some cords for around $25. If you shop at Eddie Bauer, you're looking at paying $30-40 for a pair, and that's on sale.  And over at Lands' End, you better get ready to plop down $25-60.

I walked out of my local Goodwill shop, with two practically new pair of cords, and only paid $7 -- for the both of them.

Goodwill is a worthy organization that deserves more of our support! You can even shop Goodwill online! And when you're talking about spending $3 for a pair of slacks, Goodwill just makes sense.

So, do you shop Goodwill?

It's My Birthday!

Yep, today's my big Birthday! No. 48. Which means next year I'll be 49, and THEN, the BIG 5-0!

And what am I going to do after that? I'm going to start counting backwards. After 50, I'm heading to 49, then 48 and before long, I'll be 5 again and I really hope I get a brand new tricycle -- either that, or a Harley!

New Fishing Lures

REVISED POST: 5 Feb 2010 -- Hey, I started a new site called, "Sounds Like a Fish Story To Me." I hope you like it!


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The great thing about fishing lures is they make excellent gifts. Need a graduation gift? How about a Rattletrap! Somebody's birthday? A Crankbait is your best bet. Anniversary? I'd go with some Panther Martins! And for Christmas? Anything goes!

This school of fishing lures came from Steve and Julie! They knew I was Hooked on Lures, so they got me some -- along with this note from Julie:

"As a child, I fished with my Grandpa in the Ozarks of southern Missouri. All we ever used for bait was live minnows. I couldn't figure out how to wrap those, so I got you these. Hope they'll do. -- Julie"

Of course they'll do -- in fact, they're great! I added them to my Hooked on Lures collection, where I'm hoping to collect lures from each and every state.

Want to help like Julie did?

Send me your tired, your beat up, your old and half-forgotten lures -- one will do -- that are just cluttering up your tackle box. Not only that, but write down what the lure is used for, how to use it, or maybe even the history of that specific lure, and I'll put it all together on my website, with pictures, footnotes and a lot of whatnots, and boy won't THAT be exciting reading!

Think of it as stamp collecting, but with Crankbaits and Rattletraps.

Except for postage, I'm not asking anyone to spend a thing on these lures. What fun would it be to get a new lure from a Wal-Mart in South Dakota?

So, friends and neighbors, if you know of somebody who lives outside of Texas and is willing to mail a lure for this collection, feel free to put in a good word for me and ask them to start digging in their tackle box.

All you have to do is send me an email saying you're interested in sending me a lure, and I'll send you my mailing address. Until then, Happy Fishing!

Holy Cow! It's 2010

Just when I was getting used to writing 2009 on my checks, somebody ups and changes the year!

A lot of things happened in 2009, but the most important, life-changing event that occurred has to be "The Big Switch" -- the change from free analog television over the airways, to a crappy "you must purchase a converter box and enormous tower or you'll never see ABC again" digital signal that I STILL don't get.

Yes, friends and neighbors, I got the converter boxes and they didn't work. I bought a new set of rabbit ears for my old TV, and THEY didn't work. My children have a digital television that was supposed to be able to get the all-powerful, all-wonderful new digital signal, and even THAT didn't work. And do you want to know why? Location, Location, Location!

We live in a hole by the lake. Okay, we live in a house, not a hole, but it's in a depressed area. Okay, the area's not that depressed because we have happy grass and trees, but it's low-lying -- so low that those zippy new digital signals just pass overhead. And since the only way I'm going to catch those signals is by building a tower or subscribing to a satellite service, I say let them zoom right on by, thank you very much!

Why should I pay mucho dollars to subscribe to a service that puts out 250 channels of high quality goat poop, when I can spend my time doing a lot more important things like feeding my goats and practicing banjo so people won't cringe whenever they hear me play?

Anyways, Happy New Year. I missed the Rockin' New Year's Eve parties on ABC, but I'm sure you'll tell me all about them!