Saturday, July 27, 2019

How I spent my summer vacation

My wife and I are pretty much homebodies. We come home from work, eat a home-cooked dinner, binge watch old episodes of “The Big Bang Theory,” sometimes I’ll mow the yard on Saturday while she goes to an estate sale or two, and basically that’s it.

Boy, was she surprised the other day when I suggested we head to San Antonio, and have a “Used Bookstore Excursion” along the way.

The following are the Top 10 phrases I thought would never ever come out of my mouth.

One of many used book stores.
1. “Hey, dear. You wanna go on a Used Bookstore Excursion?” – My wife has an affinity for used books and bookstores. I usually shop for books online. She likes that singular odor a used book gives off when you open it. Most of the time, it just makes me sneeze. Modern bookstores are a dime a dozen. Used bookstores are quirky and sometimes have coffee for sale. My wife likes coffee. I like trying to make her happy.   

2. “If you’ll be the navigator on this trip, I promise not to question your directions.” – You don’t know how hard it is for me, as the driver, to give up directional control to a person whose cellphone defaults to Apple Maps.

3. “Why are we stopping at a bookstore in Gladewater?” – I thought our foray into used bookstores would truly begin once we got to San Antonio, but I forgot – I was not the navigator.

4. “Why are we stopping at a bookstore in Kilgore?” – Her response was: “Yours is not to question why; yours is just to hush and drive.”

5. “I’m so confused.” – My wife likes to use the digital voice on her map app. It helps her get to wherever she wants to go. “In one quarter of a mile, turn right on How-ston Street and your destination will be on the left.” She likes to tell me, “Trust the voice, Luke,” but how can I when it can’t even pronounce Houston Street? And who’s Luke?

Imagine my surprise when the voice blared out, “In one half mile, turn slightly right and continue on,” and SHE told me to ignore it.

“So, don’t turn slightly right?” I asked.

“No, don’t.”

“In one quarter of mile, turn slightly right and…”

“Don’t listen to it,” she repeated.

“Are you sure?”

“Turn slightly right and…”

“Do. Not. Turn.”

That’s when I said, “I’m so confused.”

6. “Of course I know how to get out of the big city.” – I had no idea. So, I turned on my cellphone’s Google Maps (which is far superior to Apple’s, in my humble opinion), memorized what roads to take, assured the navigator that I knew exactly what I was doing, and got us thoroughly lost.

7. “Are you serious? Another bookstore?” – I didn’t actually say this out loud. I knew better.

8. “Buc-ee’s!” – I pretty much can’t stand them. They’re too big, too crowded, too noisy, and they have too many knickknacks for sale; things that people never knew they needed until they walked into the place. But, they have really great bathrooms, and I needed to pee.   

9. “Of course I missed the cats.” – I lied. I didn’t miss the constant let the cat out, let the cat in, clean up the cat barf routine of having two cats one iota. I’m pretty sure my wife didn’t believe me.

10. “I need a vacation from this vacation.” – And with that, I have nothing left to say.

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