Sunday, January 17, 2010

Men aren't perfect? Says who?

Deutschland-Fan Nr. 5
It has recently come to my attention that there may be a number of things that we men do that drive "our women" absolutely bonkers. I'm not exactly sure what good can come from knowing these things, but I put it before you, nonetheless.

The Toilet Paper Roll – It is possible that there are some women who get upset when their man uses the last bit of toilet paper and doesn’t replace the roll. I got this impression after Colleen in Virginia said, “Is there anything worse than sitting down only to see an empty cardboard tube?”

Yes, Colleen, there is: Discovering the roll is empty only when you’re ready to get up!

So guys, if you’re willing to nip this problem in the bud before it really becomes an issue, my advice to you is this: Never use the bathroom at home. Go to a neighbor’s house.

Master of the TV Remote – According to Angela in Florida, she hates it when her husband “hogs the television remote and we have to watch the same old crap every night (cops, mobsters, hunting, investigation shows or army junk).”

Well, Angela, you don’t expect him to watch Oprah or “Sex in the City,” do you? That would cause even more problems.

Guys, if you are aware you have a TV remote fetish, my advice to you is this: Hand over the remote for longer and longer periods of time in order to break free from the constant responsibility of being in charge of the television. Start off with a second or two, and eventually build it up to about 60 seconds. That’s about as long as a commercial. Then, let your wife be in charge of the remote during the commercials. I guarantee that’s a win-win situation.

Oh Where, Oh Where is His Underwear – One of the things that drives Janice in Chicago absolutely nuts is when her husband, “leaves his underwear in the middle of the floor.”

Okay, Janice, I hear your frustration, but don’t you agree that leaving his underwear in the middle of the floor is much better than leaving it in the refrigerator? And he could, you know. He goes over to the fridge to fix himself a ham and cheese sandwich, remembers that he hasn’t changed his underwear in awhile, then absentmindedly stuffs it in the crisper just so he can have a hand free to grab the mayo. Yes, oh yes, I believe that could be far worse.

Guys, if leaving your underwear all over the house really drives your woman to the point of madness, there’s only one solution: Find a comfortable pair and never take them off, forsaking all others, till death do you part.

The Speed Racer – Now here’s an unusual story: The one thing that drives Janet in Virginia over the edge of marital bliss is that her husband “drives too slow. Just ask the kids.”

Well, Janet, I would, but I don’t know your kids, will never know your kids, and I have no desire to ever ask them about your husband’s driving habits because I couldn’t bear for them to corroborate that their loving father drives like a granny. It’s unthinkable. It’s absurd. I even hazard to say that male genes do not flow through that man’s jeans.

Guys, if anyone ever compares your driving to that of a mild-mannered toothless grandma who thinks man was never meant to travel faster than a good walk around the block, then my advice to you is this: Give away your keys to someone who thinks the speed of light is too slow, and don’t you ever get behind the wheel of an automobile again. If you must satisfy your need for speed, watch NASCAR and take a quick nap.

Telephone Etiquette – Donna in Texas says she’s pretty happy with her husband, except “he hangs up the phone without saying ‘bye.’ He also corrects my grammar and he drives very aggressively.”

Well, Donna, I can see why you could get a little bit snippy about the grammar thing and never hearing “bye” at the end of a phone conversation, but you’ve got a man who knows how to punch holes through traffic jams and will always get you to where you’re going before you’ve even left the house. So, what do you want? More perfection?

Guys, if your telephone skills are a bit lacking, but you drive like a World Federation wrestler, here’s my advice: Throw the other guy out of the ring in the third round and pound him with the chair. The audience will love it.

Nothing But Sports – Out in California, Jacqueline wonders why her husband has this all-powerful need to watch every single sporting event that comes on TV. “I tease him that if there were a ‘hop, skip and jump’ competition, he’d be right there.”

Of course he’d be right there. Where else is he supposed to be? You WANT your man sitting on the couch taking in every “hopping and skipping” event he can get his eyes on. Because if he’s at home watching it on YOUR TV, he’s not out hopping and skipping with somebody else’s TV, and these days, that’s just not safe!

Guys, if your honey complains (or even teases you) about the amount of sports you watch, DON’T PAY ATTENTION. Instead, turn up the volume.

Everything Has Its Place – Got word from Darla up in New York that her man “is on the verge of perfection, but he is a clean freak. Nothing can be ‘out,’ so he constantly picks things up and puts them ‘away’ but he has no idea where he puts anything.”

At first, Darla, I agreed with you in that this man is certainly a FREAK! Normal men don’t pick up anything! Men are supposed to leave things out and not worry about them until they start to decay and rot. But then you said he can’t remember where he puts things, and I breathed a sigh of relief!

Guys, if you find yourself picking up after yourself, picking up after others, putting things away where they’re supposed to go, even if you can’t remember exactly where you put them, my advice to you is to STOP IT – RIGHT NOW! You’re making the rest of us look bad!

Doing The Disses – Julie down in Texas says, “Years ago he told me it’s not cool to diss him in front of others and I think he had a great point.”

Well, of course, all men, at some time or other, have “great points!” The problem is convincing their wives that them there points ARE great ones. But, Julie, the thing that stuck out the most in your little confession was the phrase “in front of others.” I’m sure behind closed doors you have no trouble telling him to “put diss here,” “no, diss is how you do it,” or “diss is the most insane thing you’ve ever done.”

Guys, if you’re woman has a “do a little bit of diss or you won’t be getting a little bit of dat” thing going on, then you need to just bite the bullet and get it done. Some things are still worth groveling for.

Well folks, there it is. Take it for what it’s worth. As for me, I think it’s best if I change the subject.

1 comment:

  1. I like watching NASCAR races because the constant roar of the engines as the cars zoom around the track puts me right to sleep. And then I wake up for the last 10 laps, because that's the best part of the race anyways! I think golf would put me into a coma!