Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Eat less, exercise more

Every year, Americans just like you spend billions of dollars trying to turn themselves into gorgeous, finely-tuned hunks and hunkettes who are not embarrassed to be seen strolling along a beach in a bathing suit or string bikini. They spend their hard-earned cash on weight-loss plans, aerobic workout videos and exercise machines, use them for a couple of weeks, then stuff them in the closet and forget about them. Well, now it’s time to stop all that foolishness and try a new old-fashioned way that really works:

“Eat less; exercise more.”

I bet you’ve tried Weight Watchers, Slim Fast, NutriSystems, The Rachel Ray Diet, The Zone Diet, The Atkins Diet, The Macrobiotic Diet, The South Beach Diet, eDiets, The Amazing Banana Diet, The Happy Tummy Diet and a whole lot of other diets that if I were to list them all, you’d start asking yourself, “Is he just making this up?”

If I were to look inside your closet right now I bet I’d find a Thigh Master, an Air Climber, a Power Strider, a Slam Man, a NordicTrack, a JumpSnap, an Urban Rebounder, a Total Tiger and a lot of other exercise equipment “not sold in stores” just gathering dust on the floor.

And what would I find sitting near your DVD player? Exercise videos. Hundreds of them. I betcha money you’ve got Hip Hop Abs, Richard Simmons’ “Blast Off The Pounds,” Crunch Express, Escape Your Shape, Slim in 6, Turbo Jam, Tae-Bo, Aerobic Striptease and Yoga Booty Ballet. You laugh, but you know it’s true. And you also know it would have been cheaper to:

“Eat less; exercise more.”

At first, all those fancy videos and expensive machines seem to give you the results you want. You’re able to cinch up your belt a notch (Glory be!); you look more slim and trim in the mirror (Hallelujah!); and people you don’t even know stop you at Wal-Mart to say how good you look (Back off, buster! I carry mace!). But in the end, that extra slice of cheese cake is just too good to pass up and watching Richard Simmons just gives you the creeps. So what do you do? You spend more money on the “next-best thing” because you don’t believe in:

“Eat less; exercise more.”

Yes, friends and neighbors, there’s a certain bit of “status” that comes along with being able to say, “I’m on the Jenny Craig Diet, I work out with my Gravity Force Trainer every morning, and when I get home from work I do 30 minutes of ‘Billy’s Boot Camp Elite.’” And what do you get when you say, “I eat less and exercise more”? Absolutely nothing, which is exactly how much it costs.

So next time somebody knocks on your door and tries to sell you a magic elixir that is guaranteed to give you “abs like Superman” or “thighs like Suzanne Somers,” be strong, shoo them away and tell them you’ve had enough of their flimflam.

But when that gentle soul comes to your door, giving you the simple wisdom of “Eat less; exercise more”, invite him in, let him watch “the game” on your HD Big Screen TV, serve him barbecued ribs with all the trimmin’s, and pour him a tall glass of tea with plenty of ice and sugar. And after the game, let him nap away the afternoon on your couch, with shoes off and pillow fluffed behind his head.

And if it’s not too much trouble, may I have some lemon in my tea?

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