Sunday, June 18, 2017

Some of my favorite 'Dad Jokes'

Dad Joke: A short witticism/pun told by a Dad (or uncle, grandfather, etc.) that makes the listener elicit an uncontrollable groan and wish they were anywhere else other than listening to the Dad Joke. The bigger the groan, the better the Dad Joke.

Here are some of my favorites:

1. When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

2. What did the banana do when it lost its case? It a-peeled the verdict.

3. Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae School.

4. Which side of the chicken has the most feathers? The outside.

5. What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it was R, but it's actually the C.

6. What's brown and sticky? A stick.

7. Why was the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he was a fungi.

8. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.

9. Where did George Washington keeps his armies? In his sleevies.

10. What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.

11. What's green and red and goes 100 mph? A frog in a blender.

12. What does Count Dracula take for a sore throat? Coffin' drops.

13. Why didn't the teacher ask her class to add 144 to 144? It was two gross.

14. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.

15. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.

16. Why did the old man fall into the well? He couldn't see that well.

17. What's bright orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

18. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

19. Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? Because he wanted to get a long, little doggy.

20.  I could tell you a joke about paper, but it's tearable.

Friday, May 26, 2017

A man who obsesses

over his weight has too much time on his hands and not enough goats in his yard.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Gazpacho in the making

I tried making Gazpacho the other day. You know, cold vegetable soup that the Spanish would eat on hot Spanish nights.

I have no doubt my Gazpacho bore no resemblance to theirs, but at least the makings looked purty.

Gazpacho in the making.

Monday, May 22, 2017

The Tale of Twitter-Dee and Twitter-Dope

Twitter-Dee and Twitter-Dope
were standing in a store,
when Twitter-Dee began to see
what Twitter-Dope had worn.

He had on purple shoes, his socks
a slimy shade of green,
that stretched and stretched right up his legs
beyond his knobby knees.

His knickers were too short,
his yellow shirt a size too small,
a feather hat upon his head
was 15 stories tall.

Said Twitter-Dee, “Just stand right there
I want to take your photo,
and send it all around the world,
from Leningrad to Fargo.

“You’ll be a viral superstar,
of that there is no doubt,
and everywhere you go your fans
will scream and clap and shout.”

So Twitter-Dope produced a smile
and posed without distraction,
and Twitter-Dee sent out the post
and waited for reaction.

They waited long, and longer still,
their wait was hard to take,
and weeks turned into years. How Long?
It’s hard to speculate.

Then one day Twitter-Dee and Dope
of old age they did die,
their viral superstardom had been
one big Twitter lie.

But to their friends and neighbors,
and to all I do declare
that Twitter-Dee and Twitter-Dope
were stars beyond compare.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Not a good day Haiku

It's a mad, mad, mad
mad, mad, mad, mad world!

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

What do I do? There's a dent in my trombone slide.

This was one of my very first cartoons, and one of my favorites.

As a trombone player, I have dealt with many a dented slide. I've even tried to put as much slide oil as I had to "cover up" the evil dent just so I could play a little bit longer -- but to no avail.

The only solution?

Pack up the trombone, give it to a passing gypsy, and learn how to play dominoes.

  The Trombone Slide

Monday, May 15, 2017

Weight loss a la mode

I need to lose 30 pounds by two weeks from next Thursday. There's nothing special about that day -- no weddings or funerals that I know of -- I just wanted to give myself a goal, like foregoing banana splits for a...

Three scoops. Chocolate, covered in marshmallow; vanilla, covered with chocolate syrup; strawberry, covered with some kind of strawberry mixture; nuts, whip cream and a cherry on top of a perfectly healthy banana.

Americans don't eat enough fruits, like bananas, cherries and strawberries. I doubt 47 percent of the population even know where the produce section is in their local Walmart. Our produce section is in the north corner of the building, right past the...

Bakery department with their homemade bread, decorated cakes, donuts, pies, and more bread, and cupcakes, cookies, more donuts, and across the way, the refrigerated pizza section -- thick crust, thin crust, deep crust, Chicago crust, hamburger, sausage, Canadian bacon, cheese, double cheese, triple cheese, and a couple of Gluten-free pizzas I wouldn't touch with a pole.

I guess this means I also have to exercise a bit more than my hourly jaunt between the couch and the refrigerator, looking for something sweet to eat, but settling on crackers covered with butter and sugar.

It's a lifestyle thing you have to change, I know.

Eat less, exercise more.
Lose some weight,
so you can get through the door.

But trading in a lifetime of bad habits for exercise and kale sandwiches...

On toasted pumpernickel, honey-roasted turkey, pepper jack cheese, mayo, slices of onions, peppers, maybe some olives, with a heathy helping of chips, a pickle spear, jumbo Coke-a-Cola and a slice of Key Lime Pie.

This is going to be harder than I thought.