Do you see those earthquakes happening every few days or so? Are you watching that volcano in Iceland spew ash across Europe? Did you hear about that car being swallowed by a giant sinkhole in California? Before watching that movie, I wouldn't have given any of those occurrences a single thought. But now I am, and it can only mean one thing:
It's The End Times -- 2012 -- the World Is Coming To An End -- Woody Harrelson meets his maker, and John Cusack saves humanity, sort of -- and look at me; I'm just sitting here, enjoying a morning cup of coffee, like nothing's happening.
I've got to get up. I've got to get moving. I've got places to go and things to buy and adventures to have before Mother Earth shuffles the deck and deals us all a new hand.
And the first thing I'll do -- mark it right off my "bucket list" -- is to fix the tail lights on my truck. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. And to not have them in prime working condition when the Eastern Seaboard falls into the Atlantic Ocean would be unconscionable.
There I'll be, heading west to escape the rising flood, and some gas station mechanic will comment about my tail lights not working, and I'll die right then and there of embarrassment. To drown would be preferable. In fact, I'd probably turn my truck around and head TOWARD the water.
Next, I've got to get a male goat for my female goats. Just the thought of Sassy and Stich going to the Big Goat Pen in the Sky without ever having the pleasure of being mounted by a horny buck keeps me awake at night. Who knows, they may be lesbian goats and hate the whole thing, but at least I've got to give them that opportunity.
I don't think I could handle their sad little eyes, looking up at me in their final moments as if to say, "We're about to be barbecued and we never had goat sex. Just once would have been enough. But it's too late now."
Oh, the heartache.
Speaking of heartache -- if the world comes to an end and I haven't repaired the leak in my roof, I'll never hear the end of it.
ST PETER: Welcome friends. Beyond the Pearly Gates lie streets of gold, fields of milk and honey, and heavenly shelter for the rest of eternity.
ME: You mean I made it? I went to the good place?
WIFE: It's amazing, seeing that you never fixed our roof. I just hope our "heavenly shelter" isn't leaky because I will NOT spend the rest of eternity with rain dropping on my linoleum like I have the last 15 years. Fifteen years I kept asking you to fix the roof, but you never did, and then time ran out, and now we're here. Holy Mother Mary and All The Angels, if I have to live in a leaky "shelter" with you for the rest of eternity, you will live to regret it.
ST PETER: Well friends, I hope you enjoy your ever-lasting life together!
And finally, I've got to buy some more rum. If I'm going to sink into a burning pit of molten lava, I'd rather do it with a Pina Colada in my hand and a straw in my mouth. It just seems like the best way to go.
Well, time for me to stop rambling and get to action. Time is running out, and I want to meet the end on my own terms.
But first, I think I'll have another cup of coffee.
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