Cleaning up the Gulf -- the simple way!

When a pesky, little problem arises, it is just human nature to want to solve it, fix it, or repair it in the most inexpensive way possible. And if we can't repair it, just throw it in the trash and start all over again.

Break a pencil, throw it in the trash. Simple.

Car won't start, haul it to a mechanic, have HIM fix it. Simple.

An oil rig blows up, spewing gallons of petroleum into the Gulf -- well, not so simple.

Unfortunately, it's also human nature to want to fix massive problems in the most elaborate and expensive ways we can imagine. At least, that's the thinking of the guys and gals at British Petroleum.

But they're wrong!

Here, with my infinite knowledge of oil and drilling (which amounts to absolutely zero, nada, zilch), here are my two solutions for cleaning up the Gulf, and an idea for making sure it never happens again:

1.  To clean up all the oil, why not use an industrial-strength Shop-Vac. I mean, it works in garages, so why not in the Gulf? Suck up the oil, spew it into the hold of some oil tanker, then separate the oil from the water -- and viola! Problem all solved.

2.  To clean up all the oil that's just sitting on top of the water waiting to make landfall, why not use sponges? Maybe like one massive one. Soak all the oil up at one time, wring it out into an oil tanker, separate the oil from the water -- and Tada! Problem all solved.

And now for a sure-fire way for this to never happen again.

Turn all petroleum-consuming devices into electrical ones (electric cars, trains, planes, boats); go back to bottling everything in glass (and letting us make 5 to 10 cents on their return); and immediately stop the manufacture of polyester (from now on we wear nothing but cotton or buckskin)  -- and Shazam! Problem is solved!

That's what I'd do, yessiree!

But of course, I'm not in charge. I'm just a banjo player!