EDITOR’S NOTE: This is the fourth story in a series concerning America’s illegal Doug problem.
A U.S. District judge put the brakes on New York’s recently passed law making it illegal for illegal Canadian immigrants named Doug to live and work in New York illegally.
The judge, who wished to remain anonymous, issued a temporary injunction against the law, stating that states cannot usurp federal immigration laws with their own.
“To allow New York to push through their own version of immigration law, which, in my opinion, is totally unconstitutional and is discriminatory to Dougs everywhere, whether they be in this country legally or not, is unconscionable,” said the judge. “I know the state of New York will appeal this injunction, but in the end, I believe the federal government will win.”
The ruling, which was anxiously awaited in the U.S. and beyond, delays the provisions of the law which allows police officers to check a person’s immigration status based on whether or not the person looks like an illegal Doug from Canada. The ruling also barred enforcement of parts of the law which requires all Dougs to carry papers proving they are in the country legally.
“This is a great day for Dougs everywhere,” said Doug from Minnesota. “Yes, this country has an illegal Doug problem, but there are other ways to handle the problem than to round these Dougs up and ship them back to Canada. What are we going to do, separate husbands from their wives and fathers from their children?”
Proponents of the law say they will fight against the injunction, even if they have to take it to the Supreme Court.
“Our federal government is not doing jack crap about our illegal Doug problem,” said a New York lawmaker who wished to remain anonymous. “We, the good people of New York, and all the other good people of all the other northern states that border Canada, we are the ones who are having to deal with the federal government’s ineptitude at handling the illegal Doug trade. We’re tired of this problem, we’re going to do something about it, and if some illegal Doug has his rights violated, well too bad, so sad. This is America. If they want rights, they can go back to Canada.”
The illicit Doug trade began to boom two decades ago when American parents stopped naming their children "Doug" or "Douglas." The Canadian underworld saw its chance to profit from this and built Doug farms where pregnant girls are paid money to name their new boy babies "Doug." Once the Dougs mature, they are smuggled across the border to find jobs in retail, thus taking jobs away from Americans.
Most of the Dougs are white males with curly blonde hair who end up working at coffee bars, donut shops and sporting goods stores. A few even find employment at car dealerships and insurance companies. On the street they're known as DGs, Home-Dougs, or Doogie Howsers.
According to informants, violence among the mighty Doug cartels has escalated in recent months, but so far has stayed on the Canadian side of the border.
27 July 2010 -- Illegal Doug problem growing along U.S.-Canadian border
30 July 2010 -- New York may pass law concerning illegal Dougs
3 Aug 2010 -- New York passes tough illegal Doug law