Let’s create a hit television show
What? That’s not what YOU want? Oh well, I’ll sketch out the show, and if you change your mind, just let me know.
In order to create a hit show, we have to copy what’s already out there. Sure, it would be nice to create something new and evocative, but that’s not how it works. TV shows that have a chance of making it are patterned after other popular shows because the people holding the purse strings get nervous with “new and evocative.”
Need proof? “The Anna Nicole Show;” “The Osbournes;” “Hogan Knows Best;” “Brooke Knows Best;” “The Bachelor;” “The Bachelorette;” “CSI;” “CSI: New York;” CSI: Miami;” Do I need to continue?
Now, the first thing we have to do is decide what show we want to imitate, and I believe, to give it our best shot, the best solution is to imitate them all. A little bit of “Survivor,” a little love and jealousy, someone gets kicked off the show, a lot of backbiting, I think it’s best nobody gets a rose, but there have to be challenges and audience voting to whittle down the biggest losers until we find our champion.
Each contestant must take care of their bullfrog as if it was a baby, and if the bullfrog dies or is lost, that contestant is immediately eliminated from the show. And, oh what fun it will be to catch people trying to sabotage their fellow contestant’s bullfrogs.
Next are the challenges. There have to be races and daring events, and icky things to face that will prove you deserve to be named winner. Maybe lots of mud, an obstacle course, vacuuming up cat barf without barfing yourself – all the while taking care of your personal bullfrog who only wants to escape or dribble bullfrog poo on your hands.
Yes, I think we’ve got a good start on our show.
Of course, the best shows have a little bit of love and romance and jealousy entwined throughout each episode, and I see no reason why our show can’t have the same. I can envision some young hunk falling head over heels in love with some young hunkette who talks baby talk to her little bullfrog. Maybe their hands touch during a challenge. Maybe he offers to hold her bullfrog while she pins back her sweaty hair. Maybe their love blossoms as they figure out a way to “get rid of” another contestant’s bullfrog, and they utter words of devotion that they would never, ever do that to each other – until the final challenge. I can see it, can’t you?
In regards to audience voting, I believe the standards have to be willy-nilly and non-existent. Who cares if Monica won this week’s race while never waking her snoozing bullfrog? Hidden cameras caught her picking her nose, and that’s enough to get the boot. Of course when Monica, the nose-picking contestant, is eliminated, there will be a lot of shocked looks from the other contestants, disbelief that they weren’t kicked off instead, lots of hugging and crying and more hugging, and then the tearful goodbye waves as Monica and her bullfrog are escorted off the set to appear later that night on “Jimmy Kimmel.”
JIMMY KIMMEL: I was shocked that you were the one eliminated tonight, especially after such a great race.
MONICA: I know, it was like a total surprise, but I hold no ill will against the other contestants. We were all best friends.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh, c’mon now. You were best friends with Claudia, the backstabbing witch of Ohio?
MONICA: No comment.
And finally, after all the other challengers have been eliminated, the soon-to-be-crowned winner must complete one final despicable act before they can win the moola, drive off in the new car, and fly off to their luxury all-expense paid vacation in the Bahamas. They must roast and eat their bullfrog.
Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen. I think we have a prime-time winner!