Survival tips for snorers

My wife is waiting for me to die so she can sleep in peaceful slumber without having to hear me snore. Of course she denies it, but a guy can tell.

Here are five ways to keep your wife from wishing your demise, whether it be naturally or by blunt-force trauma.

1. If you’re spouse constantly complains about your snoring, sleep in a different part of the house or maybe even outside. If she complains about THAT, then she’s eyeing your insurance policy. Snorer beware.

2. Exercise and drop some weight. It may or may not keep you from snoring, but at least your body will be healthier and able to fight off the effects of any poison she might secretly slip into your macaroni and cheese.

3. Always pick up your dirty socks. She’s mad enough as it is about your snoring. You don’t need to give her another excuse to “off” you, as well as a weapon in which to do it.

4. Apologize profusely if your snoring has given her another sleepless night – preferably in the morning before she’s had time to load the shotgun.

5. Try duct tape. It fixes everything.

And there you have it. If that doesn’t solve anything, don’t call me. I’ve got my own problems.

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