I wish I had a late-night talk show

I wish I had a late-night talk show. I’d dedicate an episode to bunny rabbits, if that’s allowed. I haven’t seen a bunny rabbit in my yard for ages. I’d invite all the bunny rabbits in town to a bunny rabbit roundtable to discuss where they’ve been lately. I saw a fox the other day. I wonder if there’s a connection between the two.

I saw a skunk in my yard last week. He wouldn’t be invited to the “Where Did All The Rabbits Go?” roundtable. I’d invite the skunks to their own episode. I wouldn’t bring them into the studio. We’d go out on location. “Out On Location” episodes are very popular.

I can’t imagine a single person having a gripe about letting bunny rabbits speak their mind. Well, maybe a farmer. The rabbits would probably complain about the farmer’s fences that keep them away from all the good vegetables. But everybody would agree, farmers have that right to build fences. I wouldn’t suggest trapping them (the rabbits) and putting them in cages and hurling insults at them until everybody believes bunny rabbits are the sole reason for the decline of our way of life, but I don’t see any harm in some chicken wire between good neighbors.

I wonder if Jessica Rabbit and Bugs Bunny are still in “the business?” An interview with both of them together might make the ratings shoot through the roof. We wouldn’t talk about shooting anything, though. That probably wouldn’t be allowed.

On second thought, Bugs Bunny can get a bit sarcastic. He might indulge in jabbing social commentary that would offend Elmer Fudd to the point he’d blow a gasket and sue another network. We can’t have any of that. And Jessica Rabbit might be too sexy. Can’t have any of that, either.

Puppies. A late-night puppy episode could be the ticket. Everybody loves puppies. Puppies and kittens. Maybe not on the same night. Puppies, kittens and baby squirrels. If ya can’t make an Emmy-nominated show out of THAT, you’re doing something wrong. 

Speaking of squirrels: I wasn’t raised to be a hunter, but I have shot a few squirrels in my life. I’m not proud of the fact. They never did me any wrong. And since they tasted mostly like chicken, I should have just eaten chicken. 

Squirrels are fun to watch. That’s why I believe audiences would thoroughly enjoy a nightly segment on my show titled, “Squirrel on the Move.” Squirrels on seesaws, squirrels on poles, squirrels on roundabouts where anything goes. It’d be the highest-rated show in the history of the universe. Unless it’s not allowed.

I’m so thankful we live in a country that cherishes free speech concerning bunny rabbits, puppies, kittens, foxes and squirrels. I imagine in some countries, talking openly about those subjects might be frowned upon. You might even be thrown in jail or sent off to a floating prison surrounded by man-eating Great White Sharks.

An episode about sharks? Nah, too scary. Somebody from the midwest might call saying the episode gave their kids nightmares. Can’t have that. 

Butterflies. Episodes about butterflies would always be allowed. We could…

Nope. This is just getting too silly. I don’t want to be a host on a late-night talk show. I just want to stay home and read a book. Drink some coffee. Watch the cats do acrobatics around the living room. Listen to owls asking endless questions. Figure out extravagant reasons for not mowing the yard today. Or tomorrow. Tell terrible Dad Jokes in the safety of my own home — while it’s still allowed.