Monday, February 22, 2010

We Men Are Complicated

I recently read that women believe a man’s wants and desires can be boiled down to three things – food, a clean house and ...well, you know – sex.

I have no idea why anyone would think all men can be categorized so simply. But being a man, and being a better judge of what men REALLY want, I humbly submit the following rebuttal:

Yes! We want food, but not just any old food you can throw at us. We want Pot Roast, slow cooked all day and smothered in gravy. We want freshly picked green beans, a baked potato with all the trimmings, a cold glass of our favorite beverage, and for dessert, a heaping bowl of homemade apple cobbler with vanilla ice cream on top.

I’m in a cold sweat just thinking about it.

With regards to the house – basically, we men could care less if it’s clean or not. As long as we can get through the door, find the remote, relax in our recliner and watch TV while eating our Pot Roast, we’re more or less happy campers.

And finally, we come to the most misunderstood “want” that a man can want. A want so infused in the male psyche that to deny him of it would be tantamount to ripping out his soul, throwing it to the floor and stomping the ever-loving life out of it. And no, I'm not taking about sex.

I’m talking about the male need to own a 52-inch Plasma HD TV with Dolby High Definition Surround Sound, plugged into a 575-channel cable service that can beam into our home 574 sports channels from around the world, with one channel left over for whatever the wife thinks she needs.

After that, THEN sex.

So, as you can see, men are much more complicated than they appear to be. And next time you read differently, read it with an ounce of skepticism. Why? Because I said so.

I am man, hear me snore.

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