In the interest of being politically political for politics’ sake, I denounce my association with the Democratic Party, I shun any connection to the Republican Party, and I will not sit and be pandered to by the TEA Party, the Green Party, the Red & Blue Party, or the Tupperware Party.
Instead, I shall endeavor to style my own political party, herewith referred to as the Hoopla Under Farr Party (HUF), and turn it into a new grass-roots movement fashioned upon beliefs, values and principles that I hold near and dear to my heart.
Those beliefs, values and principles include the following:
1. If snow is falling anywhere within a county, parish or territory, officials in said county, parish or territory are legally bound to declare a Snow Day.
America did not ascend to its supremacy among countries by being dogmatic and narrow-minded. It got there through thinking outside of the box, through imaginativeness, through finding unique solutions to problems that didn’t even require answering, and more importantly, through spontaneity.
If America is to remain the greatest country on the planet, it behooves us to teach our children, through example, that being spontaneous is okay; that the world will not end if we do something out of the ordinary; and to embrace the unexpected is to embrace the future survival of our species.
Declaring a Snow Day is spontaneous. Staying at work or school when snow is falling is narrow-mindedness. Therefore, the HUF party advocates the immediate impeachment of all elected officials who do not declare a Snow Day upon the first drop of the fluffy white stuff.
2. Citizens wishing to run for public office must show proof of ownership of an old truck and goats.
A person who owns and drives an old truck is someone who is resilient, trustworthy, thrifty, a problem solver, able to make do with little, and stubborn, but in a good way. Throw a couple of goats in the back, and that person, in our eyes, can do no wrong.
Politicians who drive around in fancy cars and have Pugs named Sebastian are hard to relate to. They seem not to have our best interests at heart. They exude selfishness, wantonness, and the inability to shop at Wal-Mart like the rest of us.
Therefore, the HUF party advocates the firing of all non-truck driving, non-goat owning elected officials. Re-elections should be scheduled immediately, but not to interfere with any called Snow Days.
3. Teacher pay must equal the amount of compensation Washington politicians receive, plus another half more for those teachers who once instructed said politicians.
It is a tragedy to admit that our elected officials in Washington make three or four times as much as the teacher who instructed said elected officials to read or write or to do really hard math problems on the blackboard with squeaky chalk.
If it weren’t for said teachers, those same said elected officials would not enjoy the comfy surroundings, the opulent lifestyle, the jetting back and forth to Europe and Asia to conduct “fact finding” missions, all the while said teacher sits in the classroom, instructing a future generation of said politicians who will go on and continue the cycle of discrepancy.
Therefore, the HUF party advocates that all said elected officials should compensate said teachers for said lack of salary, post haste, because said teachers would love to take a cruise this summer to Alaska, and the deposit is due next week. Enough said.
4. Congress should declare the banjo as the National Instrument of America.
Out of all the musical instruments in the world, the banjo is the one and only, truly American instrument. The harmonica comes a close second, but it’s still second.
Could we have ever made it from Alabama to Louisiana, to see our dear Suzanna, without a banjo on our knee? Never! Would dueling with pistols still be in vogue if it weren’t for banjos? Absolutely! Would “deliverance” be even possible without the haunting sounds of a twanging banjo? Heaven forbid.
Therefore, the HUF party supports the recognition of the banjo as the one and only National Instrument of America. To not do so would be totally unpatriotic.
My fellow Americans, in these dark days of government wastefulness, political meandering, partisan vindictiveness, and the use of really big words by the mighty to subjugate the poor and repressed, we need a party like the HUF Party to remind us what we stand for, who we are and what we’re meant to be.
So, come get HUFfy with us. It’s a truly American thing to do!