Friday, March 19, 2010

It's Time For Some New Educational Standards

With the school year practically over, and people expounding on what should have been taught in school, but wasn’t because we have a bunch of idiots in charge, but just wait until next year, boy, will things be different then, you just wait and see...I thought I'd expound on something a bit different!

Today, I'm going to spend my time with you conversing on more important things -- namely, TV Remote Controls and Homemade Ice Cream.

(WARNING: The following essay will quote a lot of historical facts and use mighty big words. We regret any inconvenience.)

In the beginning, when electricity and Milton Berle were without substance or form, a man named Philo Farnsworth got so bored one Saturday night that he invented the television and ushered in the era of Saturday Night Wrestling. It wasn’t until Thomas Edison invented the incandescent light bulb that Farnsworth could actually see what he had invented, and when he did, he said, “It’s good, but a 52-inch plasma HD TV with Surround Sound would be a whole lot better.”

Throughout the years, television brought into our living rooms Ozzie and Harriett, Ricky and Lucie, Fred and Barney, Young and Restless – and not once did these “stars” ever complain about Dear Old Dad sitting in his recliner, wearing nothing but his undershirt and boxers.

Speaking of Dear Old Dad. One day, realizing it would be more comfortable to remain seated than to get up and change the channel, he yelled, “Little Johnny, my feet hurt. Get in here and change the station.”

And with that, the first ever Daddy-Controlled, Voice-Activated TV Remote Control Exercise Program was invented.

(It’s funny how some inventions are made. One day you’re in the garage just mixing stuff up to see if it will explode, and the next thing you know you’re selling tubes of J.B. Weld. Go figure!)

Now, you might say Good Old Dad was lazy, but I say he was a visionary of childhood physical fitness. Yes, he could have gotten up from his recliner to change the channel, but instead he made the sacrifice to stay put – all for the good of his Little Johnny’s health.

But then along came Robert Adler.

Robert Adler invented the Wireless Remote Control – not to mention idleness, sloth, apathy, laziness, lethargy, and a whole lot of other synonyms that mean exactly the same thing. With Adler’s remote, Good Old Dad no longer needed Little Johnny to change the channel. And what became of Little Johnny? He got fat, forcing the government to pass “30 minutes a day of supervised exercise” legislation, and allowing dieticians to implement “healthy” menus consisting of things like carrots, corn and Trans Fat-Free Pizzas.

But, in all fairness, Adler is not the only one to blame for the state of our children’s lack of physical fitness. We can also blame Thomas Edison and his hideous invention, The Electric Ice Cream Maker.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Thomas Edison didn’t invent The Electric Ice Cream Maker. But since Edison was an inventor, and The Electric Ice Cream Maker was an invention, everybody can see that two plus two equal four – and I have no idea what that means.)

In 1843, American Nancy Johnson patented the first-ever Hand-Cranked Ice Cream Maker, and soon our country became the envy of the world. But that was yesteryear. Today, with the advent of The Electric Ice Cream Maker, our country is financially weak,  home foreclosures are at an all-time high, and we can't afford to send man back to the moon, much less send woman with him, which blows our plans to open up little Lunar Love Shacks for those who want to "get away from it all."

And it's all because our children have no idea how to hand crank ice cream.

So, in an effort to return our school children back to health, stabilize our economy, halt rising oil prices, decrease world hunger, alleviate military conflict, prevent global warming, and keep our universe from falling into a massive black hole, I hereby submit the following course selections for inclusion in next year’s academic schedule:

1. Hand-Cranking Ice Cream 101 – A 30-minute-a-day course required of all kindergarten through high school students. A state-mandated test should be given at the end of each year, ensuring that No Child Will Be Left Inside The House When Hand Cranking Ice Cream Needs to be Done.

2. Lose The Remote, Lose the Pounds – An ongoing program in which educators actively engage their students in the benefits of manually changing channels on classroom TVs. Channels should be changed 120 times a minute to achieve maximum heart rate.

In conclusion, do you know what Martin Luther King, Jr., Bill Gates, Donald Trump, Walter Cronkite, Jimmy Carter, Amelia Earhart, Mark Twain, Paul McCartney, and Rahm Emanuel all have in common?

Me neither. Just thought I’d ask.

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