Illegal Doug problem growing along U.S.-Canadian border

Just in case you haven't been keeping up with the news lately, the U.S. - Mexico border is not the only place immigration officials are trying to secure.

Doug Krispy Kreme Neon Sign Signage
To our north, illegal Dougs are seeping across the border at an unprecedented rate, and our federal government seems unable to do anything about it, or they are choosing to turn a blind eye to the situation. Either way, illegal Dougs are here in America, and if we don't do something about them soon, it will be too late.

The illicit Doug trade began to boom two decades ago when American parents stopped naming their children "Doug" or "Douglas." The Canadian underworld saw its chance to profit from this and built Doug farms where pregnant girls are paid money to name their new boy babies "Doug." Once the Dougs mature, they are smuggled across the border to find jobs in retail, thus taking jobs away from Americans.

Most of the Dougs are white males with curly blonde hair who end up working at coffee bars, donut shops and sporting goods stores. A few even find employment at car dealerships and insurance companies. On the street they're known as DGs, Home-Dougs, or Doogie Howsers.

According to informants, violence among the mighty Doug cartels has escalated in recent months, but so far has stayed on the Canadian side of the border.

Doug's Repair Shop
Lawmakers in some northern states are so disgruntled by the illegal Doug problem, that they are considering taking matters into their own hands without waiting on federal approval. One of the proposals is to give local law enforcement officers the authority to request "documentation" from anyone they suspect is illegally in the country and named Doug. Documentation could include a birth certificate, passport or driver's license.

Most northern-state citizens recognize that something has to be done about the illegal Doug problem, but fear police officers might succumb to racial profiling, stopping anyone based on their skin color or curly blonde hair.

So far, the federal government has not made any statements concerning the matter.

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