Having your appendix taken out is easy. First you get sick. Then you see a doctor. The doctor takes out his little Swiss Army Knife, and in 15 minutes or less, you’re right as rain, able to go bowling with “the boys” on Saturday. At least that’s what the brochure says.
But let me tell ya’, the hardest part about having your appendix out is the recovery time. For days and days after I got home, I felt good some hours, and then the rest of the time I felt like I’d been hit by a steam roller. I hobbled around like an old man, moaning and groaning with every step, and I just knew I was going to feel this way until the day I died.
And then one day, like magic, I was well. I felt new again, whole again. I felt like an 80-year-old invalid who had just been told, “We’re giving you another chance at being young again, and you better not muck it up!”
So now that I have this new life just raring to be spent, I’ve been making some plans on how to spend it. And this is what I’ve come up with:
1. I shall never again eat refried beans from a can. Yes, it takes time to make the beans – bash ‘em and smash ‘em, season them, and then cook them – but, oh, they’re so much better than the canned Taco Bell Fat Free Refried Beans with the “How To Make The Ultimate 7-Layer Dip” recipe right on the label. No siree! No more easy beans for me!
2. I shall never let the cat in or out of the house just because he wants in or out of the house. I am king of my castle. I shall not be jumping out of my comfy easy chair just to satisfy the whims of a crazy, can’t-make-up-it’s-mind cat, no matter how much he howls.
3. If my spouse asks me to let out the cat, I’ll say “Yes Dear” and hop to it.
4. I lost 10 pounds coming out of the hospital (I had no idea an appendix weighed that much). I shall now endeavor to not only keep that weight off, but I shall lose more tonnage until I’m able to look in the mirror without closing my eyes and needing Aspirin. And then I shall buff up to where the next time I’m laid out on an operating table, the doctor will say, “What a fine specimen of tone and muscle for a man his age. I just hate to cut into him and mess it all up.”
5. With this new life I feel the need to go out and do things, go places, see the natural wonders of the world…but I can’t because of debt. I therefore shall endeavor to get rid of all my debt in a timely fashion (preferably before I’m dead), so I can enjoy all the things this world has to offer. Sorry family, I’m only giving out rocks for Christmas. Pretty ones, but still just rocks.
6. I’ve always wanted a llama. I think it’s high time I got one.
7. I’ve been pretty bad about paying the lady who throws my newspaper. I know that I should pay on the first of the month when the bill comes due, but I don’t. I wait until I’m so late she starts putting “gentle reminders” in my mailbox, calling me, sending out National Guard helicopters to hover over my house at all times of day and night. But no more. I intend to put my bill in the mail when it’s due, and give that poor woman a break from having to track down another deadbeat newspaper subscriber. At least that’s my plan.
8. And finally, I intend to grill more. Nothing would be worse than lying on my death bed, wishing that I had taken more time to marinate, baste and grill all the good things that just taste better being marinated, basted and grilled outside.
Yes friends and neighbors, it’s good to have my life to live over again. I plan to live it well this time, and make every day count. In fact, I suggest that you go see your doctor right now and tell him to take out your appendix so you, too, can feel young and new again just like me. You’ll be glad you did – eventually.
P.S. This will be my last "Weekly Column" for awhile. I'm taking a break in order to get my life back on track. Adios, mis amigos!